Abstinence is a word that a lot of people do not like, and amazingly some people may not even be able to tell you the meaning of the word because it’s not in their vocabulary or sphere of thinking.

To most teenagers and young people this word is almost synonymous with “being lame”,the equivalent of Leprosy ,some delibitating disease or simply ”having no game”. When you claim abstinence they view it as , just an excuse because you “can’t get any”.

It is something that a lot of people run away from cause it’s got some sort of stigma and when you say you are for abstinence, it makes you sound like a religious fanatic of the David Koresh, Jim Jones type.

The Dictionary defines Abstinence as self denial: restraint from indulging a desire for something e.g. Alcohol or sexual relations .

In recent years an organization called the Silver Ring Thing™ is helping teens realize that they are not on their own and that they have support. Just like those that want to give up smoking or loose weight have support groups. SRT is an organization that help teen realize that they do not have to go with the flow, of promiscuity and sleeping with that person you “love” outside the commitment of marriage.

This “protection education” teaches nothing about consequence,character and responsibility. It essentially says you have no self control or restraint so ,give in to every sexual whim, scratch whatever itch, just make sure you “protect yourself” . Heart breaking is all i can say.

There have been vindictive attacks against the program claiming that it doesn’t work and it’s unhealthy to promote it. What i want to know is ;

If you never drink ,can you get drunk? ,

If you never do drugs, can you become an addict ?

If you don’t discipline yourself change your diet and exercise can you ever lose weight.

Those that say it doesn’t work , just don’t want to admit that they like sex too much to give it up. The sex education that has been taught for many years, teenagers are still getting pregnant, and contracting STD . Condoms are scientifically proved to have a failure rate and are not 100% guaranteed. If you were about to jump out of a plane, and you were told there was a chance your parachute wouldn’t open due it’s nature from manufacture, would you still jump out?, Or wait till it’s 100% safe?

Some couples do agree to take the vow of abstinence , but compromise. Engaging in long periods of heaving kissing ,fondling dry humping and sometimes even oral sex, giving themselves the excuse that “it’s not penetration” and we didn’t going “all the way” is just deceiving yourself.

There is a saying that goes “if you’re not going to cook , don’t go into the kitchen” .You can’t expect to play with fire and not get burnt. Kissing and petting are forms of foreplay which is meant to lead to sex, this is something that Lot’s of people fail, or rather refuse to understand. They think they can control themselves, and put on the brakes just before launching off from third base. But that’s like being handed the keys to a Porsche on the Auto Bahn, and telling your self that you are not going to speed, or staying on the start line of a Formula 1 race, you continuously rev your engine and take off, and just before you cross the finish line you jam on the brakes, do that enough times and one day your brakes will fail. Ever heard the expression “one thing led to another & “it just happened”. Nothing just happens!!!, Every thing in life is a consequence of a choice that leads to an action .

You may argue that kissing is not foreplay, and we should at least be allowed “some, privileges”.

Fred Stoeker co-author of Every Man’s Battle(good book for guys) defines it this way “Foreplay is anything that has as it’s natural result either sexual intercourse or false intercourse of masturbation. For instance oral sex,mutual masturbation,heavy petting, and kissing around the neck are foul territory”. In short anything the member of the opposite sex does to your body that prepares it for intercourse is foreplay.

Now, I’m not saying kissing is evil,nor am i saying it is a sin, but the question you should really ask, is “What fires is it fueling? “Do you really want those flames to be fanned,only to be extinguished just when heating up? Is it making your abstinence stance more difficult or even frustrating? OK, maybe YOU ,can handle kissing, but what if it lights the fire in your boyfriend/girlfriend? Will you be willing to give it up to help them hold the fort of purity? Are you?

It’s not easy as a Christian dealing with the fact that you can’t engage in the physical pleasure(yeah, that’s what it is) that is part of “normal” relationships as defined by society. If temptation didn’t involve pleasure or enjoyment it wouldn’t attract you, now would it?

So if I can’t caress and kiss my girlfriend/boyfriend, what else can we do? Just hold hands!!!, That’s boring!

Look, I don’t all or any of the answers cause I myself am still searching for them. However what I do have is a few suggestions.

Don’t date someone that doesn’t share your belief in abstinence.

By doing this you are setting yourself up for a fall right from the get go. It may seem that none of the Christian girls/guys are hot or even fun. But “two can not walk unless they agree”. It’s harder for someone on the ground to pull down someone on a platform than the other way round.

There have been some girls that I have had a thing for, and I had a chance with them, if I made the move, but because I knew they didn’t share my stance on chastity ,and as much as it hurt( and boy did it hurt) I kept my relationship platonic. We can’t give into every attraction or desire we have .

GUYS, any girl that you date , if you do not end up together, she should be able to look back and smile that you honored her by not ravaging her body. She should be a better person as a result of crossing paths with you.

WARNING- Even when the person shares the same stance, you still have to keep your guard up. Things have a funny way of creeping up on you, when you think you are safe. So up front, set clear cut immovable barriers, that you both decided NEVER to cross.

The city of Troy fell, because they allowed into their gates what they thought was a gift. In other words, when it comes to purity , NEVER let your guard down, especially for a fellow believer, because you might be, inevitably be letting in a Trojan horse.

Never let yourself be in a place that you have no chance of being disturbed.

The classic sexual invitation we see on television and in the movies, is “ my parents are out of town, we have the whole place to ourselves” that pretty much speaks for it’s self. Besides, something creepy like an axe wielding psychopath usually shows up anyway, so to be for warned is to be forearmed, lol.

Be careful what you let in through your eye and ear gates.

Many of the songs we listen to a huge hindrance to the walk of purity, and if we do not want to face constant frustration we need to cut them off. Just like the person that goes on a diet for the sake of healthier living avoids junk food, so we must avoid putting sexually suggestive junk in our minds. Many of the artists disguise pure lust in the name of love and romance. Constant consumption of such material will warp our own ideas of sex. The music videos with scantily dresses women and lewdly suggestive dances/ gestures are like not exactly kosher for your abstinence diet.

When it comes to the visuals. Increasingly in the past few years , television is becoming more and more “liberal”. The most successful shows in recent years have a 87% sex premise, from “Sex and The City”, to the more recent “Shameless” and “Skins”. Sex has become an Olympics sport to which lead characters are competing for gold medals.

When we continuously watch shows like those it gives us the idea that it’s a normal part of life and behavior. Promiscuity is glorified and the consequences of such a life are never shown .

The songs and radio shows we also listen have the same great effect. Listening to shows were people are talking about how many people they’ve slept with in the last month , is definitely not healthy listening. Neither is it listening to artist who tell you “i don’t see nothing wrong, with a little bump and grind”. Point of note, that artist is still having court issues, because of a certain video of his that made its way to the Internet.

Think of your mind(your purity) as a fortress, or one of the Castles from Medieval times. They had several defenses protecting them from enemy attacks.

They had; a moat with crocodiles ,a draw bridge that had to be lowered after confirmation that it was not an enemy. Archers on the towers that acted as Snipers, taking down the enemy before they could approach. And watchmen, that kept a sharp look out for approaching danger from the distance.

Are you catching my drift?

Realize that a relationship is a lot more than making out and knocking boots.


A lot of relationships have a “strong” foundation based on their physical attraction and desire for each other,which in it’s self is natural. But if you take away all that what is left. If the physical aspect is taken away , is there anything left? What else draws you to that person except wanting to lock lips(and other parts) with them? Is there anything else that will keep you two going? I’ve always had the policy that no matter how hot a girl is , and no matter how much we dig each other, if there is no foreseeable future, other than I think “you’re cute, I know you think I’m cute too, let’s go out”. I don’t see the point in putting either one of us through what would turn out to be an inevitable emotional/psychological roller coaster crash.


1 Tim 2:9(New Living Translation)

And i want women to be modest in their appearance.They should wear decent and appropriate clothing and not draw attention to themselves………

Unfortunately some ladies that profess Christ, are church workers and are very vocal about their faith do one thing very wrong,i don’t know how aware they are of this. In the “modern church” ladies seem to come to church baring full view cleavage, ever plunging necklines that expose their breast . This is a contradiction for a Christian Ladies. If you preach like Juanita Bynum, but dress like you share a wardrobe with Lil Kim (ok ,may be an exaggeration ,but you get my point) you are not only acting as temptation on legs, but you are sending the wrong message about yourself, and your dressing has made irrelevant , any declaration for Christ you have made because they’ll see no difference between them and you.

Doing this you maybe unintentionally telling guys, “this is a season preview” and we all know after a teasing season preview we can’t wait to see the entire series in all it’s glory.

Immodest dressing places a bulls eye on yourself for those wolves in sheep’s clothing that come to church to “score”, and it may be too late before his fangs show.

Immodest dressing makes you act as a stumbling block, for those brothers who are battling in their stance for purity. A guy coming to church should not have to pull his eyes away from you because of your dressing.

A guy(s) talking to you should not have to struggle to keep eye contact because your “lovelies” are calling his attention. Cleavage revealing dressing basically says. “ignore me as a person and check out my body”

Now , don’t get it twisted!!

.I am not suggesting you dress like Reverend Mother Mary Francis.I’m not saying that you should dress up like an Amish lady covering every inch.I appreciate beauty and sexy, but there is a VAST difference, between being sexy and being sensual. Being sexy can be done(by some) while wearing a t shirt and jeans or even turtle neck,even without intent.But being sensual deliberately attracts attention to the body or certain parts of it, by how you dress.

You may be dressing for one particular person, or maybe not, but once they are on display, you can not select who looks. glares or stares, and to be frank, you would have thrown away the right to complain or call anyone a pervert if they do oggle at what is on public display.

So please you can wear what you want, as long as there is no INKLING not even a glimpse of your breasts or inner thighs. You should not make your fellow brothers walk of purity difficult, or attract the wrong attention to yourself.

Interesting fact. Sharks can smell a drop of blood at 1 par per million, “Score” seeking guys that have come to church for a challenge,can zero in on a girl whose revealing dressing say that they are no different from the girls stumbling out of the club at ungodly hours.

6. Pray ,Listen to songs and read books that encourage your stance


This should have been Number 1, to put it plainly, you can not do this on your own. It is the POWER of God, guiding us to do this. Commit your stance unto God and ask for the wisdom and strength to do so,and start to take the steps to abstain.

Listen to music that edifies your soul, that supports your walk instead of music that mocks or belittles it ;or tries to tell you that you are missing out.


Jermaine Stewart -We don’t have to take our clothes off

Rebbecca St James- Wait for me

DC Talk; I don’t want it, God sent , That kinda Girl


Joshua Harris: Sex is not the problem(Lust is), Boy Meets Girl, I Kissed Dating Goodbye,

Myles Munroe:Waiting and Dating

Every Young Man’s Battle: Fred Stoeker & Stephen Arterburn


Personally , writing this is one of the ways I’m keeping myself accountable. By putting this out there and letting people that know me, know my stance: i have become accountable to them. This puts me on high alert not to contradict anything that i have said here. It’s gonna be tough(no sneakies) , but these are high stakes we are dealing with and this makes it stronger than a lonesome inner decision or marker, that we can shift to allow ourselves a little pleasure.

You don’t have to go around tapping strangers on the shoulder and telling them “Hey,Guess What!!”. We have to be careful not to fall into pride. Being sexually pure is nothing if one is full of pride. Remember,Lucifer fell as a result of Pride. So, be careful, it’s only God’s grace that is keeping you.

If all else fails, you have legs, use them. It worked for Joseph , it will work for you. Don’t stay there and try to be cool. GUYS, don’t try and be “the man” cool calm and collected when you are about to get burnt.

I’m no expert when it comes to relationships, so you really don’t have to take anything I’m saying seriously, but I have come to learn, that we often know the truth deep down inside before anyone else ever tells us.

God Bless you all

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