FRIENDS AND LOVERS

For a long time I never understood the fine line that many people drew between friendships and dating/romantic relationships. They always believe that the two are complete and separate things. But why the name boyfriend/girlfriend ? The word friend at the end has already made a certain definition. A friend can be defined as somebody emotionally close, somebody who trusts and is fond of another or somebody that you know well and enjoy spending time with. If a boyfriend or girlfriend doesn’t fall under this category I don’t know who does.

Sometimes you notice a strong friendship between a guy and a girl.To you everyone that knows them, it is obvious that they have feelings, or at least care deeply for each other. When you tell either one of them, that they should take their relationship to the next level, the response usually is “we are too close”, “I’ve told him/her too much”, “it will spoil our friendship”. Does anyone see where I’m going with this?

You say you can’t date a friend, because they know too much about you!!! Exactly who then, do want to date!!!!, Someone that doesn’t know jack about you!!!

The irony of it, is that when one actually decides to date someone else, that was not previously a friend, they complain, “he doesn’t understand me”, “we don’t seem to connect”, “she does not like to do the things i like” Now whose fault is that?

I don’t know about the ladies but guys are usually advised by their friends not to get too close with a girl they are interested in, because she would take you as a friend and you would be stuck in the Friendship Zone FOREVER.

Hence, why many ladies ignore the guy that has been there for them , the “nice guy”, who cares, but can never be anything more, and go for the quote “bad boy” who is more adventurous, And as in any adventure, someone is going to come out with a few bruises and possibly broken bones.

As defined earlier what exactly is a boyfriend or girlfriend if they aren’t someone that knows you well and you enjoy spending time with.

I have always been of the belief and practice that if I really like a girl, I’d prefer to have a close friendship which would develop into a dating relationship by by the time we both realize those feelings. I admit, It really has not worked out that way, but i still think it is better than ricocheting in and out of relationships in an emotional and psychological traumatising game of trail and error.

My point is , do you get intimate with a person before you actually get to know them as a person? Who else would be able to get along with than a friend. Once again , don’t get this twisted, I’m not saying you should only date people that are already your friends, but why not develop a friendship before opening your heart to them, and then later on start whining and sobbing about how the b*****d or b***h used,abused, then threw you away like a banana peel.

I think the problem with many people, is that we fail to see what is right in front of us until it’s too late. I hate to use this analogy but I will anyway. From the hit show,Dawson’s Creek, take Dawson and Joey(NOTE Joey is a girl played by Mrs Cruise: Katie Holmes),they’re best buds and are closer than close, both attractive , they know each other inside out and talk about everything. Dawson was lusting after the “forbidden fruit”(one that momma warned you about) girl, and failed to realize what he had all this time, until some else came and swept her off her feet, that’s when he started pining for her.

We too many times give in to the raw attraction we have to someone . We guys, would probably be too wrapped up in the girls looks to think of anything else initially.The girls, wrapped up in charm or charisma.

Personally for me, the next thing that comes is character, If she fails that test she could have Eva Longoria’s sex appeal, Janet Jackson’s smile ,Angelina Jolie’s lips and Beyonce or Megan Fox’s body and I wouldn’t have a further thought.(Yes I know, you find that hard to believe).

But many, just think

,”forget anything else, SHE’S HOT!!!” ,

and i really can’t blame them, self restraint over genetic engineering rarely wins and one often wonders, what could have been when that choice is made. But the results of entering a relation based purely on the synapses the persons looks fire in you, rarely has chance of thriving.

They may have nothing whatsoever in common, but the “I’m cute I think your cute, let’s get together” , which is enough for the first date.

The next few dates will probably consist of making out(lots of snogging), this will go on for a while and by the time they go all the way(home plate: fourth base,YATZEEE) they get bored and break up,(may take between weeks or years) one party or both suffering heart break. It’s a vicious cycle that a lot of people needlessly put themselves through.

Every relationship is about foundation, whether it be your normal friendship, or family relationship or that with your boyfriend/girlfriend, it’s all about foundations. British performer ,Kate Nash put it this way, “my finger tips are holding unto the cracks of our foundation”. Like any building that is built on a faulty foundation, it is all a matter of time before it comes caving in on you. When the waves come, or the big bad wolf huffs and puffs, the house which triviality,lust or chemical reactions built, would come tumbling down.

The reason why many relationships fail is that they have faulty foundations. Foundations built solely on physical attraction and the way you feel around them can never last. Foundations, falsely reinforced by the physical activity that occupies the time they spend together. If making out and as a friend of mine puts it, “sack session” is ALL that takes up the entire time you spend together, What happens the rest of the time?, or When your body is incapable of physical activity of that kind?

Those “feelings” you have are just neuro chemical reactions that would wear away with time, then what! After all the making out and “making love” , the question is “What else do you have, that brings you together? That KEEPS you together?

According to scientific research, the maximum the neuro chemical reaction lasts is seven years,7 YEARS!!!, and not in Tibet. Hench the theory of the “7 year itch”

The only thing that can keep a relationship going after that is the foundation it was built on , which comes back to the friendship I’ve been talking about.

I guess I can understand the concept, in my case as a man, meeting a hot new girl , and going though the process of “pulling” , there’s a lot of excitement in that. After all there’s nothing like being the one with the new hottie in town. But just because our body is saying yes, do we do so? If you have diabetes and that pack of Haribos or Ben & Jerry’s is calling out, do you answer? Whatever i discover along the line, I have only myself to blame, cause I jumped into this relationship head first (or otherwise) with my eyes closed.

Taking another analogy from the movies, this time being, “Brown Sugar”, the two life long friends eventually fell in love with each other, because no one knew them the way they knew each other. The people that pure physical attraction brought them to didn’t work out, because those couldn’t see beyond what they could see and “feel”.

YES, i know, life doesn’t always work out that way, or have a Hollywood ending, but why bother with all the heart break.

Take a look at any successful marriage relationship and you would mostly likely find out that they’d reveal that they are each others best friend.(When I say successful ,just still being together is not in that definition, THAT, is called being flatmates) Which is why it makes no sense for a husband or wife to have a best friend that is a confidant outside, but that is a topic for another day.

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4 comments on “FRIENDS AND LOVERS

  1. you know this has never made sense to me simply bcos a marriage stands a better chance of success when the two partners are friends…

  2. Wow. Yomi, this is amazing…. Very well written. Okay, I have a LOT of comments. Where, oh where, do I begin?
    “You say you can’t date a friend, because they know too much about you.”
    I think I understand why some women feel this way. I have friends who have uttered those words. It’s a self confidence issue. Some women are not confident enough in themselves to acknowledge that they have faults. They try so hard to smooth over flaws and hide their faults so that the guys they’re interested in think they’re perfect.
    If this male friend, “knows too much”, the illusion of perfection is no longer there. He knows her faults and her flaws, and the woman is just not comfortable with her boyfriend knowing her at her worst.
    One of my girlfriends got married last summer, to a man she was friends for about 5 years before they started dating. They then dated for about 7 years, before finally tying the knot last summer. He knows her faults, and she knows his. He has seen her with her head half braided, and half afro. He has seen her without make up and he chose to marry her.
    It’s a shame that some women don’t have enough confidence in themselves to believe that even with their flaws, there is a man out there perfect for them.

    I agree that character should be more important than physical appearance. But the truth is, most people look for the total package. Someone they can connect with mentally, as well as physically.

    In regards to constant “sack sessions”, besides everything you’ve said which i completely agree with, I have other issues with that. People seem to have forgotten how special that should be. They also seem to have forgotten about the STDs. The speed with which STDs are contracted and transferred to other people are terrifying.

    That being said, I really enjoyed this piece. Thanks for sharing.

    • I personally intend to find, a woman i can connect with physically(find each other attractive), mentally and most importantly Spiritually. I have been told by ladies, that i’m a dreamer, and such a woman does not exist , and will have to compromise on one or two of those criteria, i find it disturbing that several ladies can tell me that. I have been as patient as i have been, and do not intend to compromise.

      I have found ladies like that (complete package),very good friend. Gorgeous, intelligent and love the Lord, but they are usually already committed. So i know she is out there somewhere and someday , somehow ,we will find each other :). Naturally , she would first of all be a friend. 🙂

  3. I totally agree. As I’ve said before, those in my friendZone stand better chances with me. Then again, I’m not easily wooed by good looks. And then again, its hard to get into my friend zone because I hardly make friends…ok I’m going off point lol. And that talk about ‘Spoil friendship’ is nonsense. All my exes were my friends and are my friends. Then again, I’m weird so my life isn’t exactly a good measuring yardstick.

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