A letter from the heart to young ladies out there, either just venturing into the world, or already dealing with a morally depraved world, that is closing in like a vise.
Have you ever been to a restaurant, you arrive and you look at the menu. Depending on the time of the month and your financial status , you look at what they have and then look at what you can afford. You then make your order, somewhat satisfied with the same order you make every time you are there.
When your food arrives you dig and savor the taste which quenches your hunger. And then the waiter brings the food of the person at the next table, the fragrance lifts you off your seat. You look at their food with fascination and then look at yours and get depressed and dis satisfied and you wish you had ordered what he had ordered even if it cost a little more.
Have you ever been on the high street or in the mall. As you pass by a shop, something catches your eye. It’s amazing, so beautiful, you can’t take your eyes off it.
Without a second thought you rush into the shop and put it on your credit card, even though you know you can’t afford it. You take it home and try it on, and absolutely
love it.
THE MORNING AFTER
You wake up and see the newly purchased item , and it doesn’t look so good. In fact, you are thinking What on earth was i thinking???. But it’s too late, you have spent the money, and are stuck with something you don’t want.
Ladies will be more familiar with this. Those expensive shoes that are too tight, but look so great, you still buy them, and then a day later they look ugly,tighte than you remember,don’t match anything in your wardrobe and now you have a debt that isn’t worth it.
It’s called Buyer’s Remorse.
Unfortunately, many people take this approach to relationships. They see or meet someone and get all excited. Like the person that rushes into the store without a second thought and put that item on the card, they rush into relationships;relationships that they can not psychologically,emotionally ,financially or spiritually afford in the long run. A relationship they enter based only on attraction or personality but not character.
Unlike the shoes, they may enjoy the sensation for weeks or even months, before remorse of some sort kicks in. They have invested in a person, a relationship, that may have some sort of value, but is more of a burden than they bargained for.
I’m not a relationship expert, far from it.In fact, i’ve been told categorically that because i don’t bounce in and out of relationships every so often, i know nothing and should not talk. So you can discard these analogies, and tell me that
“Love is not a science”.
“It’s not black and white”,
and my personal favourite
“You can’t translate such analogies to real life,things don’t always work out that way”
MAYBE, but one thing i know is, i can vicariously learn from other people’s mistakes and avoid them myself . I’ve seen too many “madly in love” engagements scatter beyond repair within a few minutes, and it had nothing to do with infidelity .I dunno about you, but i bruise like a grape,and I’d rather learn vicariously from those observations than experience it for my self.
Many of those that tend to make those excuses,are caught in vicious cycle.They are in and out of the same type of relationships 2 or 3 times within an 18 months span. They’d rather endure the pain of temporary pleasure they get from those relationships, than the patience of some ALONE time without any form of romantic involvement. A time they take to discover themselves and working on becoming the person that is ready for a better longer lasting and permanent relationship.
For those of you leaving your 20′s and still single. You may feel the need to “go for the next cute person that approaches”, as u feel u are running out of time. Unlike shoes the buyers remorse of relationships is a lot more painful, emotionally, psychologically and in some cases physically.
“Lead your life with your heart, but guide & manage your choices with your head”
No, i’m not talking about the Chris De Burgh song, that one is actually Lady in Red(1986).I’m referring to a minor character from a scene from the 99 hit “pop culture affecting, trendsetter”, movie THE MATRIX. (there’s only one Matrix, the others are Fa(ke)trix,Wa(ck)trix)
There is a scene where Morpheous(Lawrence Fishburne) is guiding Neo(Keanu Reeves) through the rush hour streets in matrix.
He talks as he walks , revealing to him(Neo) the world they are in;how it functions, the dangers ahead. Struggling to keep up Neo is suddenly takes his eyes off Morpheous as he’s distracted by a beautiful woman in a red dress, that walks by with a sweet smile. Morpheous , notices and queries
MORPHEOUS:Were you paying
attention,or were looking at the woman in the red dress
NEO:Huh
MORPHEOUS:Look again
Neospins around to find Agent Smith at point blank range with a Glock
22,the room freezes
It turned out to be a training sequence, just a simulation of The Matrix , the agent wasn’t real,but Neo had learned a vital lesson that day,much like Lot’s wife , when you take your eyes off the goal, very bad things are likely to happen to you.
While this is not an endorsement for the movie,one can take a vital lesson from it. Neo got distracted, by what seemingly looked amazing, (which she actually did). He took his eyes off his leader and if it had been a real situation, that would have been “bye bye Neo”.
No, this not a rant against beautiful women that wear red dresses,lol , this analogy applies both to males and females, we all have our points of temptation,disillusion and distraction. Morpheus also said something very striking in that scene
“If you are not one of us,you are one of them”
the “them” refered to those still plugged into the system of “The Matrix” and could be used by agents at any point in time to bring down the resistance. In spiritual terms , that refers to “children of this world” those that live by the constantly changing declining and fickle philosophy, standards and ideals of a God denying and often God hating world.
They are still plugged into the system of what is culturally or socially acceptable,but against the will of God, whether that be pre marital or casual sex, abortion ,drunkenness, lewd behavior and language, hedonism, cultural “christianity”, alternative lifestyles and other lifestyle to that effect as mentioned in 1 Corinthians 6:9 .
Some people actually think they are unplugged,attend the services, speak the slang, wear the t-shirts, but their lives show no evidence that they are free
“by their fruits you shall know them grapes do not grow on thistles”
They intellectually acknowledge God, but their hearts and consequently their lifestyles are far from any acknowledgment him.
Others have no idea of the system they are trapped in and don’t realize what lies ahead if they stay in this system. Unlike the movie, we aren’t in a simulation, we are in the real world, where “we wrestle not against flesh and blood”, if we get distracted the room won’t freeze to give us a chance recompose and change strategy and keep in mind, the enemy does not take prisoners.
We have to keep our eyes on the Cross , which is our GPS(Sat Nav) in our journey through this world. It’s our obligation to unplug as many friends, family ,colleagues from the system of this world just like we were once unplugged; but we also have to remember that anyone not unplugged posses a danger to our spiritual progression if we get distracted by them.
Many of us would already have had an “i should have known” moment ,at least once or even several times in our life already from distractions we have experienced.
This may be a crush,love interest, relationship, career pursuit or passion for anything else that can take us off tangent; it would vary with each person, we all have to search ourselves using the scripture as a compass and find out,what is our “Lady in the red dress” could possibly be,before sashays into our line of sight.
“The prudent see danger and take refuge,but the simple keep going and suffer for it -PROVERBS 27:12
I am a denominator
the one recurring factor in the
vicious cycle that is my life,….my existence
I am obsessed with romance
I ignore all self control and throw caution to the wind
I enter relationships at the flick of a switch
driven by my hormones
i date whoever fires off my “feel good” neurones
regardless of if they lack character or respect me
I consider caring friendships that support me least priority
as they can never fulfil my romance fix
i jump in with my eyes closed and never test the water
and leap out scalded , because i never saw the fangs
showing as the lips peeled back behind that charming smile
and then i do it all over again because
well….all that affection ,care attention and support
from the sweet and nice person
still does not make my heart skip a beat
the way that charming devil, key word devil, does
Im lovely, why can’t i find a loving relationship?
I am an attention junkie
I move from person to person
and get attention from wherever i can
i barely pay attention during a conversation if its not about me
I prattle on all about ME ME ME
and check myself out in anything that reflects
i compose songs about myself and sing it to everyone that has ears
I am an emotional leach and i suck as much attention
that i can from you and move on to get a better fix elsewhere
By the way, why don’t you call me anymore?
I am like a tiger on the prowl
waiting to pounce and maul you
immediately you say something that offends me
i am berserker , I’ll tear you to ribbons
if you dare speak to me in any such manner that displeases me
my amnesia for all the wonderful things you said and done
kicks in the moment that you criticise me
i am meticulous about what i condone
and i will not be spoken to, by you or any other
in a manner that i only know, and deem worthy
you are expendable and i can do without you
….Hey ! where have all my friends gone?
I hate conflict and try my best not to rock the boat
I do my best not to offend anyone
and say yes and nod in agreement just to keep the peace
I approach everything in an understanding manner
and try to be as diplomatic as possible
i pay attention and hold my tongue when i should object
because i just don’t have the strength to debate about it
though it may be an issue that need to be addressed
I exercise patience even though you abuse that fact
every single chance that you get with no apology
I am easy to bully, all you have to do is
loose your temper, turn on the water works,
and i apologise even when i’m not in the wrong
Then why like Jabber Jaw, do i get no respect
from those i show nothing but respect?
I love adventure
I am down for whatever and up for anything
I love living for the moment and don’t care for consequences
Whatever is the flava of the moment count me in
life is too short to think about the long term
we might not be here tomorrow so seize the day
if it feels good, just do it
i have all forms of myopia,
my hedonistic desires blur the consequences
of my instant gratification needs
I’m fun, I’m exciting , I’m full of life
Then why is everyone else moving forward
and in meaningful relationships except me?
I have a list of everything that you must be
You are to fufill all my need and desires
as i lean back and make no effort to improve myself
you have to maintain me and be pleasing in my eyes
I verbally strip you down because i have to keep you in check
I show no appreciation, because you already know
Read my mind, you know what i don’t like
Change, Think, Keep that, Stop saying that
it’s just who i am , and i like it that way
In the year 2004 two unique siblings dropped albums that made the world stand up and recognize their talents. No. I’m not talking about Michael and Janet, I’m talking about the Bedingfield’s big brother Daniel and sister Natasha. These sibling from down under brought a whole new vibe to the industry that was refreshing,away from the usual mediocre same ol same ol, that were present in every other pop and R&B genres.
Daniel’s two albums GOTTA GET THROUGH THIS and SECOND FIRST IMPRESSION, were certainly titled well. Full of original scores telling stories in a masterful way like a Sydney Sheldon novel, the boy certainly made a great first and second impression. As for his sister Natasha, her album UNWRITTEN was so appropriately titled. The album addressed so many relationship issues artistically without male bashing unlike many of her counterparts in the industry. As a guy I can say that I absolutely loved this album.
Starting with the hit “THESE WORDS”, an honest song about various emotions related to social and professional lives, a song that I’m sure a lot of people related to.
The song “SINGLE” is a song that I think every young lady that is old enough to be in a relationship should listen to. Some ladies see it as compulsory to be in a relationship, that they simply can’t do without it. Once they leave one relationship, there is no recovery or reflective introspective alone time, before they jump into another. Some feel that something is wrong with them , or people would talk, if as a woman in her twenties she isn’t hooked up with someone. As Natasha said “I don’t need to be on a man’s arm to look good” further going on to say later “Everything in it’s right time everything in it’s right place”.
A relationship doesn’t define you , if you think you need to be someone’s boyfriend or girlfriend to be important, you need some serious therapy. Wrong relationships are what can actually destroy you. If you listen to the news,read the papers, you can can see exactly that
The examples are numerous. Whitney Houston’s life and career took a plunge when she got involved with Bobby.Pop Princess, Britney Spears, is more in the news for her antics and her declining career, since she got involved with K fed. REHAB sensation Amy Winehouse, is living her lyrics ,because of the type of relationship she got into. Kate Moss with Pete Docherty. The examples could go on and on.
The song “I’M A BOMB” relates to the potential volatility of the female. We men at times get carried away, when we are talking to women. We are having such fun(catching trips) while talking, that we begin to say things, that we don’t necessarily mean ,without realizing the impact it is having .We innocently flirt with ladies that we really have no intention of having a relationship with,we think she knows it’s just fun ,not realizing how seriously she is taking our words.
Natasha here is saying that
“I’m a bomb can you hear me tick, beware if you turn me on, there ain’t safety switch, I’m a bomb, use only steady hands , to mess with me you must be a brave man”.
This is an analogy warning to us men , that we better be careful about the way we toy with a woman’s emotions, the song “I BRUISE EASILY” pretty much voices the same message.
The song “FROGS AND PRINCES” is a message and principle that I have believed in for quite a long time. There is a saying that many women either really believe or have subconsciously been programmed to believe, “You must kiss many frogs to find your prince”. If you go around kissing frogs, all you’ll do is end up with the taste of different types of slime in your mouth. A frog is not genetically engineered to turn into a man, all he does is be the envy of other frogs for the one that got to kiss the pretty girl. Chances are, your Prince would come along while you are kissing the frog and think “too bad, she’s into frogs” and he’ll ride off to find another princess, who doesn’t have slime all over her face.
A lady shouldn’t have to continue ping pong from Tom Dick and Rhett just because she’s looking for the right man. Doing this she is like a beautiful rose that has been nurtured by the Gardner (her father) for many years and one day she uproots her self and starts to go through the hand of every flower collector in town. Pretty soon the beauty of the rose and it’s specialty would be gone because every one has had a touch or feel of it at one time or the other.
Still not catching my drift? Ok , imagine a field of snow, that is smooth and has never been invaded. And you are at the top of a hill with a sledge admiring the beauty of the snow covered landscape. You then mount your sledge and sail down the hill, creating a clear cut pathway through the snow. You then realize that you wanted to make a different path entirely and you repeat the process, by the time you do that the beauty of the snow covered landscape is gone, all that is left is zig zags of different paths, interlocked, and the original path is lost within the mess. When we venture into relationships, we cut a path, that will forever remain on the road map of our lives, sometimes they determines were we continue to go for the rest of our lives.
Picture it this way, how would you like to look out on your wedding day at your guests, to discover that between you and your spouse to be that the only guests that haven’t known either of you intimately,or in the network of traveled circles, are the ones you are related to and the officiating minister .Ok, maybe an exaggeration ,but not very awe inspiring is it?
How far do we want our future spouse to go , with the person they are dating.How many experiments or escapades, do we want them to have engaged in , with the people they see before us? How many frogs do we want them to have done the Tango with?
Finally , the song “WE’RE ALL MAD” is a song that directly relates to the initial approaching or dating stages. When a woman would not even consider responding to a man, that doesn’t dress a certain way, drive a certain kind of car or spend money in a certain way. I remember while in Undergrad days, once hearing a girl say “I can’t date a guy that doesn’t wear Timberland boots”, now if that isn’t crazy I don’t know what is.
Granted , women have their personal choices, tastes and have to be careful that they aren’t hooking up with a layabout. But some take it to the extreme, that they expect the guy she is dating to budget a his income around spending on her and paying her bills (so she doesn’t spend hers. For real, i have actually had someone say this to me.
In a world of “equality and equal rights”, that’s just plain selfish and greedy. It was that kind of attitude that made James Blunt’s girlfriend to leave him a few months before he wrote hit song “You’re beautiful” and became a world wide sensation, I believe the same thing for Ne-Yo and hit song “So sick”.
Then again maybe it’s good thing, if they hadn’t walked out on these lyrical geniuses, we would never have those songs. Definitive pain is sometimes what takes us to the next higher level in our lives.
I’m not trying to make anyone the villain here, or make anyone out to be the victim. Neither am i condemning or casting judgment on anyone that has a past or even a present predicament.
Both men and women need to give each other more of a chance,and try to put ourselves in the others shoes. Whoever we are involved with, as guys or girls , that person in the future ,should be able to look back and say yes, he/she was a great person, he/she had a significant impact on my life, and not feel weird or embarrassed if they run into us in the while with their significant other, or family.
For a long time I never understood the fine line that many people drew between friendships and dating/romantic relationships. They always believe that the two are complete and separate things. But why the name boyfriend/girlfriend ? The word friend at the end has already made a certain definition. A friend can be defined as somebody emotionally close, somebody who trusts and is fond of another or somebody that you know well and enjoy spending time with. If a boyfriend or girlfriend doesn’t fall under this category I don’t know who does.
Sometimes you notice a strong friendship between a guy and a girl.To you everyone that knows them, it is obvious that they have feelings, or at least care deeply for each other. When you tell either one of them, that they should take their relationship to the next level, the response usually is “we are too close”, “I’ve told him/her too much”, “it will spoil our friendship”. Does anyone see where I’m going with this?
You say you can’t date a friend, because they know too much about you!!! Exactly who then, do want to date!!!!, Someone that doesn’t know jack about you!!!
The irony of it, is that when one actually decides to date someone else, that was not previously a friend, they complain, “he doesn’t understand me”, “we don’t seem to connect”, “she does not like to do the things i like” Now whose fault is that?
I don’t know about the ladies but guys are usually advised by their friends not to get too close with a girl they are interested in, because she would take you as a friend and you would be stuck in the Friendship Zone FOREVER.
Hence, why many ladies ignore the guy that has been there for them , the “nice guy”, who cares, but can never be anything more, and go for the quote “bad boy” who is more adventurous, And as in any adventure, someone is going to come out with a few bruises and possibly broken bones.
As defined earlier what exactly is a boyfriend or girlfriend if they aren’t someone that knows you well and you enjoy spending time with.
I have always been of the belief and practice that if I really like a girl, I’d prefer to have a close friendship which would develop into a dating relationship by by the time we both realize those feelings. I admit, It really has not worked out that way, but i still think it is better than ricocheting in and out of relationships in an emotional and psychological traumatising game of trail and error.
My point is , do you get intimate with a person before you actually get to know them as a person? Who else would be able to get along with than a friend. Once again , don’t get this twisted, I’m not saying you should only date people that are already your friends, but why not develop a friendship before opening your heart to them, and then later on start whining and sobbing about how the b*****d or b***h used,abused, then threw you away like a banana peel.
I think the problem with many people, is that we fail to see what is right in front of us until it’s too late. I hate to use this analogy but I will anyway. From the hit show,Dawson’s Creek, take Dawson and Joey(NOTE Joey is a girl played by Mrs Cruise: Katie Holmes),they’re best buds and are closer than close, both attractive , they know each other inside out and talk about everything. Dawson was lusting after the “forbidden fruit”(one that momma warned you about) girl, and failed to realize what he had all this time, until some else came and swept her off her feet, that’s when he started pining for her.
We too many times give in to the raw attraction we have to someone . We guys, would probably be too wrapped up in the girls looks to think of anything else initially.The girls, wrapped up in charm or charisma.
Personally for me, the next thing that comes is character, If she fails that test she could have Eva Longoria’s sex appeal, Janet Jackson’s smile ,Angelina Jolie’s lips and Beyonce or Megan Fox’s body and I wouldn’t have a further thought.(Yes I know, you find that hard to believe).
But many, just think
,”forget anything else, SHE’S HOT!!!” ,
and i really can’t blame them, self restraint over genetic engineering rarely wins and one often wonders, what could have been when that choice is made. But the results of entering a relation based purely on the synapses the persons looks fire in you, rarely has chance of thriving.
They may have nothing whatsoever in common, but the “I’m cute I think your cute, let’s get together” , which is enough for the first date.
The next few dates will probably consist of making out(lots of snogging), this will go on for a while and by the time they go all the way(home plate: fourth base,YATZEEE) they get bored and break up,(may take between weeks or years) one party or both suffering heart break. It’s a vicious cycle that a lot of people needlessly put themselves through.
Every relationship is about foundation, whether it be your normal friendship, or family relationship or that with your boyfriend/girlfriend, it’s all about foundations. British performer ,Kate Nash put it this way, “my finger tips are holding unto the cracks of our foundation”. Like any building that is built on a faulty foundation, it is all a matter of time before it comes caving in on you. When the waves come, or the big bad wolf huffs and puffs, the house which triviality,lust or chemical reactions built, would come tumbling down.
The reason why many relationships fail is that they have faulty foundations. Foundations built solely on physical attraction and the way you feel around them can never last. Foundations, falsely reinforced by the physical activity that occupies the time they spend together. If making out and as a friend of mine puts it, “sack session” is ALL that takes up the entire time you spend together, What happens the rest of the time?, or When your body is incapable of physical activity of that kind?
Those “feelings” you have are just neuro chemical reactions that would wear away with time, then what! After all the making out and “making love” , the question is “What else do you have, that brings you together? That KEEPS you together?
According to scientific research, the maximum the neuro chemical reaction lasts is seven years,7 YEARS!!!, and not in Tibet. Hench the theory of the “7 year itch”
The only thing that can keep a relationship going after that is the foundation it was built on , which comes back to the friendship I’ve been talking about.
I guess I can understand the concept, in my case as a man, meeting a hot new girl , and going though the process of “pulling” , there’s a lot of excitement in that. After all there’s nothing like being the one with the new hottie in town. But just because our body is saying yes, do we do so? If you have diabetes and that pack of Haribos or Ben & Jerry’s is calling out, do you answer? Whatever i discover along the line, I have only myself to blame, cause I jumped into this relationship head first (or otherwise) with my eyes closed.
Taking another analogy from the movies, this time being, “Brown Sugar”, the two life long friends eventually fell in love with each other, because no one knew them the way they knew each other. The people that pure physical attraction brought them to didn’t work out, because those couldn’t see beyond what they could see and “feel”.
YES, i know, life doesn’t always work out that way, or have a Hollywood ending, but why bother with all the heart break.
Take a look at any successful marriage relationship and you would mostly likely find out that they’d reveal that they are each others best friend.(When I say successful ,just still being together is not in that definition, THAT, is called being flatmates) Which is why it makes no sense for a husband or wife to have a best friend that is a confidant outside, but that is a topic for another day.
You’ve grown into young lady and i am very proud of where you are. You would soon be venturing out on your own into the world(high school). As you go there are a few thoughts i’d like to share with you
You are entering a world where you would have to encounter many new things and make choices on your own. The world is constantly changing , things are rearranging. What was taboo several years ago has become the norm today. What was appalling and unheard of in the past out,now of political correctness we accept . Morality and decency has taken a plunge, and to follow the fickle view of society, is to jump out of a plane with an anvil instead of a parachute.
There will be so many things that are ‘Socially acceptable’, everybody’s doing it,and you are called a prude or old fashioned if you don’t join in.
But the real question is ‘What is God acceptable?’ That is most important and he has not changed his rules. You may seem “uncool”, when you are not ‘down for whatever’ or wiling to experiment .When they see you don’t compromise,you may stop receiving party invitations or calls to social events but it comes with the territory as an ambassador for Christ.
As a young lady the world may tell you that you have to dress a certain way to be noticed.They tell you that you have to be risqué .But your clothing should be a frame for your face and not sensual as a frame for your body. When it becomes sensual you may be causing others to fall.Besides, guys eyes may glow ,and their heads turn on a revealing dress, but their mind is really taking off points for decency,but they’ll never admit it.
When it comes to young men, this is something that you would have to ask the Lord for discernment. There will be the genuine nice ones, and those being nice with hidden intentions. Remember the words “you shall know them by their fruit”. Be cautious not to be swept away by charisma . Personality is wonderful, but character is more essential. Does he live his life according to scripture? Going to church doesn’t make one a Christian ,any more than going to McDonalds makes you a Hamburger.
How does he treat his sister and his mother? This is a giant reflection on who he is and how he will really treat you in the long run.
Still on the issue of guys;the world and pop culture would have you believe that you have to “test the waters”. The well worn “kiss many frogs to find your prince”. Darling all you do when you kiss a frog is end up with bitter slime on your face. You don’t have to be a serial dater, or fall in and out of relationship every few months.Trust me it’s not worth the hurt and pain.
I know, it’s hard in today’s world but dear there are some wonderful words i heard a long time ago
” take this advice, think twice. When love is done right it could be mighty nice. Take the time out, just to get tight.When two become friends things start out right. Nobody wants somebody , that’s always messing up, cause mess up means break up, and somebody’s got to fix it up. Don’t be so hasty to give up your heart. It’s hard to see intentions at the very start. So pace yourself all the way to the very end , cause this is the reason why God made friends.”
Yes yes, it’s a lot easier said than done. That’s why it’s not done on your own strength. God knows exactly how much you can take and he loves you too much to let you break.
